How to Kill A Poinsettia in Under One Week

February 2nd, 2017:

If you're someone like me, you struggle between either having a very green or very brown thumb. This is no joke, my friends. I've managed to kill many a cactus. Yet, somehow, you can give me a peace lily or an aloe plant and we'll be good for years! My most recent accomplishment, however, just so happens to be a cactus - something I either manage to drown or completely forget about because you aren't supposed to water them that much.

A little over two years ago, my former boss gifted me a Christmas cactus. This one I've managed to maintain. It even flowers beautifully for me each winter! Perhaps she knew me well enough to know I could handle it? Maybe she had no idea about all the previous plant fatalities and it was something random and fortunate? Possibly that it was a gift from her was a reason to give it more attention? Either way I digress as the basis of this story, my friends, is How to Kill A Poinsettia in Under One Week.

Poinsettias. These are plants that have challenged me over the years, to say the least. Each year, our company is gifted two poinsettia plants from the property management folks, and each year, without fail, I manage to kill them in a very short time span. What is the secret, one might ask? How is it possible when so many poinsettias live and flourish throughout the holiday season in many an office like mine? Well, I've given it some reflection, gone over my routine for years gone by, and here's a short guide on how to do it. Follow these simple steps and you'll be well on your way to riding the plant homicide train with me.

  1. Receive the poinsettia and immediately try to pawn off the duty of caring for it. All of your co‑workers will decline and you will be left with the responsibility.
  2. Place the poinsettia where you will see it each day, but also in a spot where its beauty and holiday luster can be enjoyed by all.
  3. Walk by the poinsettia the next morning and pay it no mind. It will be thirsty because chances are that it was delivered that way.
  4. Go about your day still not acknowledging the plant. At the end of the day, you will notice it because it’s looking a bit sad. Go fill it up with too much water.
  5. Go home. Your job is done.
  6. Day 3: You find that the poinsettia’s soil is still moist. Phew! You’re in the clear!
  7. Now, because someone told you that you’re actually not supposed to over-water this thing, you go about your business for the next two days as if it will be fine and subsequently forget that it even existed to begin with.
  8. By Day 5 your poinsettia is looking awfully sad again. Go drown it in water one more time – maybe that will resuscitate it?
  9. Day 6: Not so much.
  10. Day 7: Forget about it and throw it away, because you have successfully killed your poinsettia in under one week.

That, my friends, is How To Kill A Poinsettia In Under One Week.

Happy Gardening!

-Sarah Rogge, Executive Administrator

Posted in: Life